One of the most attractive traits about us to a narcissist is that we are a self that self-abandons.
Think about your past relationships. When you met your past partners, did you spend hours in daydream land thinking about your shared kisses, lie around dreaming about the potential of your lives together, and basically, in a nutshell, not get much done? From the moment we start to obsessively think about someone we barely know envisioning a future together, we are self-abandoning.
We are other-focused, and it’s a trait narcissists need the most. They test us out, playing games to gauge just how other-focused we are, and, if we abandon ourselves just right, we become the narcissist’s primary target to reflect their inner worth back to them.
It’s the beginning of a very dangerous ride. We are unconscious of this trait. We don’t understand that someone is preying on our childhood wounds, our unhealed parts, our unfinished business. When the inevitable devaluation comes along, it’s the perfect recipe to self-abandon even further – we forget the self we left back at the gate right at the beginning, trying our mightiest to ‘regain’ that love that we believe exists outside of ourselves. This dance back and forth goes on until either the narcissist finds a new light that needs dimming somewhere else, or until we wake up to ourselves and get the hell out.
The disappearances, the silent treatments, the ghostings – all of it is designed to keep us other-focused – to aid the narcissist in fulfilling their external locus of control. And despite our protests, we’re actually quite comfortable in this dynamic as it’s an internal dynamic that we know well.
But there is no need to be triggered here – the narcissist is the biggest self-abandoner of all. They abandoned their entire self back somewhere in their childhood, and have been stalking other selves to steal since then. It only ever ends when the narcissist decides that he isn’t able to feel connected, whole and complete through his target (what he thought he could get during the idealisation phase). The real reason a narcissist needs to move on is because his eternal egoic search for his ‘self’ has failed – yet again.
If the narcissist decides it’s over and leaves without closure, it’s another trigger to continue self-abandoning. This is a trait we need to bring into our conscious awareness if we are to have any hope of stopping a self-sabotaging cycle and healing it.
Unlike narcissists, we have the capacity to head back to that starting post and discover ourselves again. Underneath all our hurt and pain is a small child who feels unworthy and is searching for someone to love and validate them. The narcissist is the most perfect, beautiful saviour to bring us back home. He shakes up our paradigm, makes us question reality (and not in the toxic, gaslighting type of way), and ultimately, if we should choose it, brings us the greatest healing that we may ever undertake in our lives.
The narcissist brings us closer to God – ourselves. And slowly we discover that we have never needed to look anywhere else.